I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
