i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
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I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
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I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
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