Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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