woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
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He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
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I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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