I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
