How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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