our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
