No awkward lesbian experiences without me
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I need a beard to bite.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
