I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
