we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
