mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
