too bad you live with your parents still
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
