At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
