And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Do vagina's smell?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
