I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
