Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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