i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
there's paper in my vomit.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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