oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
