Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
