I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
