I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He shit in the fireplace
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
