Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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