I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
