Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Randomize
