The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
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Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
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I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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