She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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