I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
