I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
