he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
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