How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
