there's paper in my vomit.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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