That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
