Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
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