The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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