How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
