I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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