I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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