When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
