I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
