I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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