I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
