halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
