I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Randomize
