i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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