The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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