My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
