New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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