She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
