just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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