She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
