From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
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I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
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Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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