i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Send help, water and tortillas.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
