I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
