I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
